I Blog therefore I AM...

I just read a friend's blog I hadn't ever visited before (thanks for pointing the way Thatgirl to Phineas G. Mongoose's blog) and was moved by the response by this guys friends to his recent posting. I was touched by thier genuine concern for his welfare and I have to say I too posted a comment. It got me thinking. This next bit is what I ruminated on and I hope you'll enjoy it.

I AM...

<> Last year I had a bit of a tough patch in my life, and when I say 'bit' I mean one of the hardest periods of my existence thus far. I had a lot of things going on, many, many hard things. Someone I loved dearly had made a serious attempt to end her life. I was working with and for a woman in a wheel chair who's mother was verbally and at times emotionally abusive (which I got to hear all about and witness first hand) my ex and his new partner decided I was no longer able to even cross the threshold of their home to see my child, I got laid off from a job I REALLY liked after only six weeks of working there, I was dead broke and behind on my bills and to make it all easier to cope with hadn't slept well for over two months (like lets say averaging three hours of sleep a night for weeks on end).

I pretty much lost it.

In fact come to think of it, that was right about the time I started blogging.

Coincidence?

I doubt it.

I work really hard at being self aware, REALLY hard. I figure if I the sole resident of my skin doesn't know whats going on in my little head, then who the hell would? I do whatever I can to understand myself and my motives. I write in a journal, I write fiction, I write in my blog, I see councilors, talk to church leaders, talk to my spouse, talk to my mother (a LOT so thanks Ma, by the way) search, ponder and pray. I do all that and more just so I can get to the bottom of whatever it is that is troubling me (and heaven knows I'm troubled).

Because if I understand what I really think and feel, if I know why it is I react the way I do to any given stimuli I can DO something about it. If my own motives are a mystery to me how could I ever possibly hope to change them? If I don't know what it is that drives me, how the hell can I do anything about it?

I have been diagnosed with all SORTS of 'conditions' and 'issues' and 'illnesses', among others, there are: Diabetic, Dyslexic, Depressive, Atraxic, Anemic and Amnesic oh my!

In one way I genuinely like having words to explain what the hell my problems are, (but hey I just like WORDS in general, I am a writer after all). It feels kind of good to have labels for these things that have been a part of my life for all or most of my life thus far.

The problem with that is that they are well--labels.

I am not a label.

I am a girl, a woman in point of fact. I am a mother, a wife, a child, a singer, songwriter, novelist and poet, I am a sculptor, stain glass artist and jeweler, I am a student, nurses aide and scientist, I am a blogger, geek and trekkie.

I am all of those things and more, and yet that isn't quite right ethier, they're just what I DO, not what I AM.

I am a literal descendant of a divine being, in short a true 'Daughter of God'.

That's closer, but still defines me in relationship to something else. It's a GOOD relationship mind you, a vital, life giving and life altering one, but still doesn't explain WHO I am.

I am Debbie.

There, for all those to whom Corijezmi was a super-human-wordsmith-of-wonder I am now - for all those in the great black void of cyberspace- revealing my secret identity.

I am Debbie and it's very nice to be me.

There ya go, I hope someone out there reads this and learns something wether about me or themselves it's all good.

Go write something NICE about yourself

Debbie
(otherwise known as Corijezmi the Great)